Wednesday, 7 May 2014

The Sparkling Supernatural


Hey guys!

I hope you all had a good bank holiday weekend?

I sure as hell did! Spent it running around Transylvania doing my best to translate Romanian to English.

Now keep it in mind that in I follow the immortal words of Bruce Willis:
I only speak two languages; English and Bad English
so trying to decipher old Romanian was not the easiest.

Anyway! It seems like this line is a little more stable than the last one which is good.

So I'd like to break down another wall if I may, reveal the truth and lay it out for all to see.

I am talking in this instance about Vampires.

Modern Hollywood would have you believe that they are all a gusty teenagers who want nothing more than to be loved for their sparkly skin and rainbow coloured ass cheeks!

Let me drop the veil on that one.

For once, none of it is real.

Twilight, Anne Rice, fucking Bram Stoker! It's all romantic shit!

So I've met vampires.

Yeah I know, it makes me sound crazy, but this is fucking real!

I've met them and I have killed them, but let me tell you it was not easy and they were most certainly not looking for love.

It seems there is a hierarchy, something about blood lines where Vamp 1 begat Vamp 2 and so on and so on. With each parenting that happens the potency of the vampire gets weaker, but at the same time the less self control they seem to have.

Modern fiction would have you believe that Vampires can to an extent control their urges, resist the need to feed.

Yes for some of the older vamps who are less generations removed from the progenitor of their species this is true and they can hold back on their need to feed, but this is like saying that I can hold back on my need to eat chocolate. Yes I can but like hell am I going to!

For the younger vampires, those with more diluted blood, the need is much stronger and when presented by a fresh beating human actually need in some cases to be physically restrained to stop themselves chewing down on the body.

Now tell me, just what sort of creature acts this way? Will put their own life and the lives of their entire species at risk just to eat a meal right there and then?

Fuck! Even dogs will move their food away from imminent danger to feed at a safer time and place.

Vampires do not!

Those who are caught up in a blood lust frenzy or are just too young or inexperienced to control themselves will stop at nothing to feed that very moment, even if they are under fire from heavy artillery.

Now tell me, what does that sound like to you?


Yes your average vampire is no more an eloquent gentlemen or Romeo than a disease ridden raccoon is, existing purely for the one function of spreading their virus!

Interesting to note that in both cases we are looking at transmission via bodily fluids.

Shit, I wonder if there's actually a connection here? Could rabies actually be a watered down version of the vampire virus?

What about shape shifters? Werewolves and their kin? Are these the hunky protectors of nature who transform from beast to man in an explosion of rainbow glitter?

Far from it!

As with vampires we are looking at a monster that is created via a virus, once again with the involvement of bodily fluids.

It's all pretty gross really...

In the case of werewolves, there is no will or control, they are as much a beast as their animal cousins. In fact despite killing countless numbers of their kind in the wild, I have only ever seen someone turn into a werewolf after being infected. I have never seen a werewolf turn into a human.

This leads me to think that they can not turn back, that the transformation from human into hulking brute of teeth, claws and fur is a purely one way deal.


Why do these books and films get made, and why are they so popular?

I can see two possibilities.

The first is it is staged propaganda, put out there by the Elder Vampires, or maybe another force all together to try and lull us into a sense of make believe.

Shit, if we all think that vampires are weedy, constipated looking boys then we will not bat an eyelid when some dude approaches us with a set of fangs, as we either dismiss it as someone in fancy dress, or maybe even think we're about to get whisked away on a fairy tale adventure of a lifetime.

Then there's the other possibility.

That we as a species need to feel on top of things. Vampires and Werewolves are both capable of killing us with a great ease. Normal weaponry does a piss poor job of stopping them meaning your average Joe who comes up against one of these monsters is pretty much shit out of luck.

But we don't like that do we? We want to believe that we're invincible and so we surround ourselves with state of the art security systems, sleeping with a Glock point nine five under out pillow telling ourselves that we are the ultimate bad ass!

So what do these stories do? They allow us to sit in our fantasies, pretending at least for the most part that we are invincible and that there is nothing that we can not stop.

We lie to ourselves.

So tell me, what is worse in this situation? The beast who exists to pass on it's virus, or the human who willingly lies to itself about the danger it and it's family is under just to try and retain the delusion of being an apex predator?

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