Thursday, 5 November 2015

Agents of Misfortune


Hello? Are we green?

Yeah we're green!

Alright! So dudes and dudettes, how ya'll been? I've been better. Bored as fuck as I follow my orders and keep my head down for fear of having it bitten off by a pissed off snake.

Did you know that apparently they have a bounty on my head? Apparently I'm worth only $500,000! Seriously?! I'd have thought I was worth at least double that! I mean fuck! The boss and Emo Boy are rated at like four times that!

From what I've seen they say that she is a master strategist and manipulator, able to infiltrate any secure location through a superior intelligence, immaculate planning unmatched close combat abilities and irresistible seduction technique, while he can shoot a penny at a thousand yards blind folded and carries around enough weaponry to keep a small army going.

I've heard they even have nicknames among the Snake Soldiers, from what I've heard she's being called Killer Queen and he's got the nickname Gun-Show, or at least that's their nicknames this week, last week they were doing the whole 'Avengers' thing, she was Black Widow and he was Hawk Eye. Fuck knows what it will be next week.

You know what word on the wire says my nickname is? Tech-Head. Seriously, I sound like a fucking He-Man action figure! Which is both awesome and terribly sad at the same time.

Apparently I can hack into any internet based system, which isn't too far from the truth, but it means that for the time being the Snake have taken their servers offline to local ports only. According to word on the wire they believe that this has neutralised my threat as the only way I could do them any damage now is if I got onto a base directly, which without the help of Killer Queen or Gun Show would be impossible.

Fucking dicks!

It wasn't that long ago that they claimed I was one third of the most evil trio in the world who engineered the Tokyo Incident, now I'm a fucking side kick neutered by simply taking a server offline.

The boss tells me that this is all part of their plan, that they are trying to get under my skin, that our profiles suggest I will be the most likely to crack to a bruised ego so they are trying to do that, to lure me out by myself so they can put a bee-sized bullet in my brain and take me out of the equation. That I am not a neutered sidekick but an invaluable leg of a killer tripod and that the snake knows this and is trying to use it against me.

I dunno guys, I believe her. Why wouldn't I? She's my boss, and my girl. I mean shit, I followed her back from the literal heart of Hell just to propose to her, but seeing the wire full off the shit the Snake spews of me, it just gets me so fucking angry!


I've tried to distract myself by hunting down more info on those angel dudes. This is the second time we've seen them and this time they did something to us.

Fuck, I sound like I should be pointing on doll where the nasty angel people touched us.

But I got fuck all!

I've searched high and low, and all I can find is enochian gibberish and Native American shit about visitors from space!

Our encounter with these guys feels like so long ago now. I don't even know if it was real