Agents of Misfortune

>>>>>>BARRYOS ACTIVE
>>>PREPARE UPLOAD
>>>>>>UPLOAD COMMENCED

Hello? Are we green?

Yeah we're green!

Alright! So dudes and dudettes, how ya'll been? I've been better. Bored as fuck as I follow my orders and keep my head down for fear of having it bitten off by a pissed off snake.

Did you know that apparently they have a bounty on my head? Apparently I'm worth only $500,000! Seriously?! I'd have thought I was worth at least double that! I mean fuck! The boss and Emo Boy are rated at like four times that!

From what I've seen they say that she is a master strategist and manipulator, able to infiltrate any secure location through a superior intelligence, immaculate planning unmatched close combat abilities and irresistible seduction technique, while he can shoot a penny at a thousand yards blind folded and carries around enough weaponry to keep a small army going.

I've heard they even have nicknames among the Snake Soldiers, from what I've heard she's being called Killer Queen and he's got the nickname Gun-Show, or at least that's their nicknames this week, last week they were doing the whole 'Avengers' thing, she was Black Widow and he was Hawk Eye. Fuck knows what it will be next week.

You know what word on the wire says my nickname is? Tech-Head. Seriously, I sound like a fucking He-Man action figure! Which is both awesome and terribly sad at the same time.

Apparently I can hack into any internet based system, which isn't too far from the truth, but it means that for the time being the Snake have taken their servers offline to local ports only. According to word on the wire they believe that this has neutralised my threat as the only way I could do them any damage now is if I got onto a base directly, which without the help of Killer Queen or Gun Show would be impossible.

Fucking dicks!

It wasn't that long ago that they claimed I was one third of the most evil trio in the world who engineered the Tokyo Incident, now I'm a fucking side kick neutered by simply taking a server offline.

The boss tells me that this is all part of their plan, that they are trying to get under my skin, that our profiles suggest I will be the most likely to crack to a bruised ego so they are trying to do that, to lure me out by myself so they can put a bee-sized bullet in my brain and take me out of the equation. That I am not a neutered sidekick but an invaluable leg of a killer tripod and that the snake knows this and is trying to use it against me.

I dunno guys, I believe her. Why wouldn't I? She's my boss, and my girl. I mean shit, I followed her back from the literal heart of Hell just to propose to her, but seeing the wire full off the shit the Snake spews of me, it just gets me so fucking angry!

[SOUND OF RUSTLING PAPER]

I've tried to distract myself by hunting down more info on those angel dudes. This is the second time we've seen them and this time they did something to us.

Fuck, I sound like I should be pointing on doll where the nasty angel people touched us.

But I got fuck all!

I've searched high and low, and all I can find is enochian gibberish and Native American shit about visitors from space!

Our encounter with these guys feels like so long ago now. I don't even know if it was real
>>>>>>SIGNAL LOST
>>HAVE A NICE DAY

Q&A Archive: Halloween.txt

>>>>>>INITIATE BARRYOS
>>>>>BARRYOS INITIATED
>>>>>>>UPLOAD COOKIES
>>>>>>MMMMMM COOKIES
>>>>DOWNLOAD HALLOWEEEN.TXT
>>>>>DISPLAY FILE

[AUDIBLE CLICK]
Great you got that on? Wonderful! I'm so [CESORED] happy to know that everything I'm about to say will be recorded.

[REDACTED]

What? Now you want me to tell you about [CENSORED] Halloween?

[TAPPING ON METAL]

Fine I'll tell you about [CENSORED] Halloween!

[CENSORED] me this just gets more and more [CENSORED] up!

Ok so get this! Every year on October thirty first, little children from around the world dress up as ghosts and witches and go beg for sweeties from adults!

How's that? You [CENSORED] happy now? Can I go?

You know I have a [CENSORED] job to do right? You know? We have those [REDACTED] with their glowing wings and [CENSORED] to track down?

No? You'd rather I sit here and talk about a [CENSORED] kiddies holiday?

[REDACTED]

Fine! Ok if it will get me the [CENSORED] outta here!

Ok, so Halloween; kiddies think it's all about sweeties and fancy dress, but you know what? That [CENSORED] ain't the half of it!

You been to [REDACTED] recently? Or any time for the past two, three years? Yeah it's stuck in perpetual [CENSORED] Halloween!

I swear it's like running around in a [CENSORED] Twilight movie! [CENSORED]! Why couldn't it be stuck in permanent Christmas or something? Eternal crisp snow and reindeer bells or something?

Think that's a coincidence? Think that there's no reason why it's stuck like that? Nah there's no coincidence! There's a reason behind it, but I'll be [CENSORED] if I have a clue what it is.

Who knows, maybe it all comes down to [REDACTED], you know?

They say that on Halloween the veil between the living world and the spirit world is at it's thinnest, that the dead can walk the world, well the dead most certainly are walking around Kingsmouth! But that's because of the mist though, isn't it?

But think of it this way, if the veil is at it's thinnest on that day, what about everything else? I've seen reports in my time of crazy [CENSORED]jobs using spirits to power machines or give them beyond human powers.

[SOUND OF A FIST HITTING A TABLE]

Of course! That's how we do it!

[REDACTED]

That Snake Demon [CENSORED] wants to [CENSORED] with us, we use Kingsmouth against him! We pierce the veil and unleash a torrent of ghost [CENSORED] at him!

[REDACTED]

What?!? You mean we can't do that?

[CENSORED]!

Great so now what?

[REDACTED]

Fine! Ok I'll just keep sitting here giving you reports then...

What's next?

[REDACTED]

No [REDACTED] ain't real, neither is [REDACTED] or the [REDACTED]!

[REDACTED]

What! You've gotta be [CENSORED] me! [REDACTED] is real? Well [CENSORED] me!

>>>>>>SIGNAL LOST
>>HAVE A NICE DAY

FUCKYOU.TXT

>>>>>>>>BARRYOS ONLINE
>>>>>>CONNECTION ESTABLISHED
>>>>>>>FTP UPLOAD ACTIVE

Hello? This coming through?

Ah good! Yup we got a green light!

Ok so... How you been?

Fuck me it's been batshit crazy here the past few months.

No doubt you've noticed the total drop off of news about us? About Tokyo?

Yup standard tactics there for the Snake and it's fucking PR department. They flood the media with terribad news and get everyone shitting bricks about it like its the end of the fucking world or something, then move onto the next big bad that will shock people!

As long as we stay on the down-low, stop rocking the boat and essentially play their fucking game, then they stop bothering you. The problem here is I have no interest in playing their game!

I wanna jump up on the table! I wanna shove a lighter into the smoke detector! And I want to stand there covered in sprinkler water with two middle fingers shoved right into the camera of whatever snake-fuck operator is currently watching!

[LOUD SMASH]

But the boss doesn't like that idea. She says I need to keep my head down and weather it all out.

If it was just me then I wouldn't have a problem, I've taken risks before and i'd march straight up to that pussy-whipped demon's board room, strap a nuke to my forehead and knut him into oblivion!

But it's not just me is it? There's two other operatives in on this, one of them who I would never want to put in harms way unnecessarily.

So I follow orders, I lie lay and wait. And eventually once in done waiting we'll get the orders to make a move and like that we'll kick the teeth in of that twat-face!

[LOUD SMASH]

Seriously! What. The. Fuck! I had to shave off my beard for fucks sake!

My fucking beard! I've had that for what? Ten fucking years! But the company says it's too much of a distinguishing feature! So off the fuck it goes!

I swear I will find that demon-fuck and will rip out his oesophagus through his fucking ass hole!

I lead the fucking undefeated eight seven nine one to victory in hell itself! We killed an abomination that was quite literally a giant fucking cock with claws! And now I'm supposed to be afraid of a dick in a suit?

Fuck...
>>>>>>SIGNAL LOST
>>HAVE A NICE DAY

Communications Going Dark

>>>>>>INITIATE BARRY-OS
>>>>>>BARRY-OS ONLINE
>>>>>>REROUTE TRACKING
>>>>>>ACTIVATE COMMS

Is this thing working?

Good!

This is Codename Skorn coming to you from a secure location.
[STATIC]
Sadly because of recent activity things have had to take a more secretive route than usual.
[STATIC]
I'm guessing by now you've all seen the news broadcast, and I'm asking you [STATIC]please don't believe it.

The powers that be would have you believe that me and those like me are responsible for the Tokyo incident. That is a [STATIC]lie.

There are forces at work here. The Snake being one of them and maybe even The Company themselves.

[STATIC]

They want us dead.

Hundreds, if not thousands died as a result of the Tokyo Incident and it made 911 look like a day at the fair.

[STATIC]

They are now trying to pin this on us.

Lily Engel the Snake's chairwoman has gone and where or by whom is up for debate, but they are pinning this on us.

Everything you are seeing now is all spin-doctored bullshit, as they try to make things as difficult and painful for us as possible.

Do not believe their lies!

[STATIC]

I am worried I will have to go dark for a while.

As far as I am aware me and my team have been black-listed. Scrubbed from data banks and no record exists of our employment with The Company.
[STATIC]
Do not try and find us.

My research will continue and I will reveal what I can when I can.

[STATIC]

Mum? Dad? I'm sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I just need some time and everything will be straightened out.

You just need to believe me when I tell you [STATIC] I didn't do what they are saying I did
>>>>>>SIGNAL LOST
>>HAVE A NICE DAY

A Return to Hell and the 30 Second War

>>>>>>BARRY ONLINE
>>>>>>ACTIVATE TRANSMISSION

We're on? Great.

Ok I don't know how to say this; as it is the craziest thing I've ever had to admit to, possibly even crazier than my shit about the Dreamers or the Snake.

I just took part in some epic as fuck war on the planes of Hell itself.

Demon versus Demon with me at the front of one side as we fought against an uprising army trying to overthrow the very monarchy itself and wage a direct war on our world.

Anyway, what follows is a series of audio logs I managed to record once I had managed to rejigger my phone to work over there.

Of course these logs don't start for a while, so first a bit of a back story for you.

Earlier today I was called back to London by The Company. Apparently there was a small paperwork issue with my previous employer and they wanted it fixed before nothing turned into something.
[COUGH]

Sorry about that, so where was I? That's right, I was on the tube heading to Westminster when we had just left Euston station. Something was different, something felt wrong and I could hear a noise like static building in my ears over and over.

Without any control I grabbed my head and let out a scream, a manly scream I might add and clenched my eyes shut to try and stop the agonising pain that was wracking my head.

Then the pain and the noise stopped.

Seriously! It just upped and fucking stopped! In fact everything had stopped. The noise of the tracks below us, the rustle of the annoying as shit commuters with their newspapers, all gone.

I opened my eyes and nearly fucking shat myself.

Of course my phone was pretty much dead, I had forgotten to charge it the night before and you know how iPhones are. Well I managed to squeeze enough juice out of it to grab this photo:
[IMPORT PHOTO036841]






Yeah I know, it looks like Hell right? That's because it fucking is! Trust me I've been there before, I know Hell when I see it.

Anyway; first things first was to try and establish a location and what if any immediate danger I was in.

Well I was still in the train carriage, only I was alone and the carriage was just there by itself, no other train parts, just sitting in Hell with me inside it.

Any threat? Well I was in Hell so clearly there was some sort of a threat, a demon or something just waiting to eat my insides, but nothing that I could see.

So - step two: get help.

This was the problem. For some reason my phone's battery was dying fast. I mean these things eat through battery power like nothing ever made before (3rd Age tech maybe?) but this was insane.

Anyway I tried calling, but nothing, no signal, no bars, no fucking wi-fi! I was cut off with no visible way of getting back and to top it all off I had left my guns at a fucking dropbox so as to not rouse any suspicion if anyone wanted to check my ticket or whatever.

Well there was no point in worrying or stressing, best foot forward and all that stiff upper lip bullshit!

So I travelled for what must have been half a day in a straight line. I know it was that long because when I arrived the Sun was rising and by this point it was preparing to set.

Anyway I had travelled for half a day when I came across a patrol of some sort, no idea who they were or what they were doing out in the wastes of Hell, but the moment they saw me they tried to attack me, and even after I had smashed one of their heads repeatedly over a rock, the other still wouldn't talk.

But that was ok, they had on then Demon-Tech including some sort of communications tool, this was great! I could integrate that Infernal tech into my own phone and use it's power source to keep my phone going.

Yeah, not a great idea.

I was able to get my phone logging what happened, plus it worked as a comms unit later on, but that was it. The camera got fucked by the Hell power source and I still couldn't call home.

So rather than waffle on about my logs, why don't I play them for you?


>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 001
[BEGIN RECORDING]Holy duck fuck! It's working!
[SOUNDS OF EXCITED CLAPPING]

Ok this is Company Agent Skorn reporting in from Hell itself.

As I record this I'm bunkered down in what I think is a cave network in a mountain that overlooks a Demon town or city.

I don't know how I was brought here or why, and the only weapon I have is a big fuck off sword that I stole from a demon patrol that I killed.

I'm going to get some sleep now.

If someone in the company gets this message, please find Agent Takahashi, tell her where I am and that I love her.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 002
Ok it's the next morning now. I had fuck all sleep thanks to the air, it's like breathing in constant lungfuls of burning sulphur.

Anyway, turns out what looked like a town down below was actually a large camp. I can see now a shit tonne of tents and what appears to be weapons.

Whoever they are they appear to be preparing for war and on a big scale.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 003
Right, update. They are definitely gearing up for war. A patrol got close to my cave and found me. I managed to kill most of them but there was too many. They took me to their commander and in that filthy Hell Speak that shit-head explained the basics.

So from what I can tell they are a group of demons who are on the run after some civil unrest that knocked the King off his throne.

Having me here is as confusing for them as it is me, so fuck knows why I'm here.

The grunts wanted to eat me, but the Commander stopped them, something about me being able to speak Demon.

Anyway, they've given me food and I'm now about to get some rest.

I'd be lying outta my ass if I said I wasn't scared, but I think about Agent Takahashi and what she would do in this situation and how I'm going to make sure I can get back and see her again.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 004
We've been on the move now for three days. According to Gurgle; that's what I'm calling the Commander because his dialect sounds like a fucking gurgling baby, he thinks it's a name that in Human means Strong Leader or some shit like that and so has started using it himself. Now that's fucking hilarious!

Anyway, Commander Gurgle says we're travelling to see some demonic shaman, says this guy will tell us why I'm here and explain some sort of prophesy or something.

I'm fucked if I know what he's talking about.

I'm sorry for not making more logs, but it's hard to think about what to record when all you can see is mile after mile of red sand and fire.

Plus while these logs feel like the only thing keeping me sane, I'm five days now in this shit hole and I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get back, and these recordings are just reminding me of what I'm missing.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 005
Another two days have passed but we're finally here.

Or at least we should be. The place has been destroyed by whoever this Commander Gurgle is fighting. The Shaman was living in some wooden shit-shack and it's all gone now.

The Shaman himself was still alive, just about, and now they have asked me to keep feeding this dude water and food to help him recover.

Fuck knows why, I've not seen shit in the form of civilisation or anything out here, just sand, fire and more fucking sand.

Fuck I'm pissed off!

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 006
The Shaman's dead.

He told me some shit, but none of it makes any sense.

He told me that I was brought here for a reason, that I was going to help these demon dudes by resorting the rightful king or whatever that shit means.

He said that I had a gift, but as I explained to him; being able to understand Demonic doesn't really help us all that much!

Fuck! I wish you were here Holly, you'd know what to do.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 007
Commander Gurgle isn't happy.

We've been travelling now for another... Fuck I don't know how many days! I think it was four.

He says we're going to meet up with another three armies and when we do we'll be storming the King's palace.

Frankly I just want to get some water that doesn't taste like shit.

I miss Coke! Regular, not that Diet Coke shit! Or even that Zero; same great coke taste my fucking arse!

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 008
I wonder what everyone is doing back home?

Are they missing me? It must have been; what? A month now?

I'd like to think that Holly's got a whole legion of Agents searching for me, but even if they do come to Hell, the only regular ways in are via the portals, and they all seem to be located around the central hubs, not out here in the fucking dust-swirls.

I miss you so much
[QUIET SOBBING]
FUCK! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!!

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 009
We've made it to the coast. Yup I didn't know that Hell had a Coast either.

The sea is like everything else, red and looks like it would poison ten shades of shit out of you if you do much as dipped a toe in it.

One other army was here waiting for us, so I'm guessing it's the meeting spot, but Gurgle isn't talking to me anymore. Apparently he has grown tired of my voice and blames me for the death of the Shaman-dude.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 010
Update: Just met the Commander of the other army. This guy seems to have heard of the prophecy about me too.

He called me the Catalyst and said that I was here to either save Hell or ruin it.

The thing is; I'm not sure which result would be better for Earth.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 011
Still no sign of the third army and its getting late. We've been here for three days and they should have arrived before anyone else. The other Commander thinks we should send out search parties. Gurgle disagrees.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 012
Update: Gurgle has changed his mind and tomorrow a search party is being sent to search for the missing army. I wish I could claim responsibility for the change of heart, but it was the other Commander. For a demon he is remarkably eloquent.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 013
You know, it's funny the things you begin to miss.

It's been what? About 6, maybe even 8 weeks now since I arrived here, still no sign of the search party returning and the last few days have just been spent drinking foul water and eating what I can only describe as rancid meat. To the minions of Hell this shit must be like bread and butter to them.

Originally I missed telly and chocolates, then that turned into roast dinners, pizzas and Chinese food, now I just want... Fuck it, I don't know. I can't even remember what fresh water tastes like.

I remember I used to enjoy freshly squeezed orange juice. They had a stall in Camden down the road from our house that sold it. For the life of me I can't remember what it tasted like, only that I really liked it.

Certain things go without saying; namely Holly, Isaac and the techies back at The Company. I remember there was this one dude there who claimed to be an even bigger fan of the Alien films than me and used to show off his work cubicle filled with decades of merchandise to prove it. Of course this dude, while being pretty damn cooler was as old as my dad, so he's had many more decades of collecting chances than me, which of course I point out to him every time he tries to play it big-man and all.

You know, I still miss films. And music. And cartoons. You know, shit to watch while you're bored. Here's there's nothing but the daily Sand Bug Arena, just something the demon grunts cooked up by capturing the local wildlife and making them fight each other. It's pretty barbaric, but fuck it eh? We're in Hell.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 014
The scouts are back and balls! They bring bad news. The entire army; massacred. The Commanders are taking it bad, and the grunts say we're going to make a push for the capital soon.

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 015
It's official, the push begins tomorrow. They've already begun building pylons to transport us right to the foot of the palace.

You know what's silly, in the time I've been here; which by the way has been roughly 13 weeks, I worked it out this morning.

Anyway, in the time I've been here, I've began to grow attached to these grunts. I have no idea how to pronounce their names, I just call them Toothy, Horny, Scaly, that sort of crap.

But yeah, each and every one of them are alright. They're just soldiers doing what their Commander tells them to, which of course was for a time trying to occupy locations on Earth. I guess it makes sense really, every culture has done it before.

Of course some of the legion are less hospitable. The Gnaws as I call them, strange twisted human remains that crawl on all fours; their brains are no more advanced than a stupid dog so can only follow basic commands, and the succubi seem so addicted to sexual endorphins that it's the only thing they think about it.

Ha! It's funny, I had a Succubus find it's way to my tent earlier. Normally they're kept in their own pen where they're fed raw meat and left to fornicate with each other, but as a treat for the troops before tomorrow's big push, their pen was opened and they were allowed to roam as they pleased, and let me tell you; they do not accept no as an answer. I had to claim to be a eunuch for this one to leave me alone. The other boys here can have these sex-demons if they want, but I've got something even better to keep me warm at night and that's the love of the most wonderful woman I've ever had the honour of meeting.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, I have no idea how tomorrow is going to go, but I know at the very least I will find a way back home. Don't you worry Holly! It may have taken about three months, but I'm coming home!

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 016
It's the morning before, everyone is really psyched about this!
[GUTTURAL ROARS]
Can you hear that? They are literally carving runes and stuff into their flesh to get themselves ready! Isaac would love this shit! So much testosterone out there it's fucking insane!

>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 017
Ok this is my last log report. I'll be using this Hell-Tech to communicate with the rest of the Legion, apparently Gurgle has big plans for me, I'm going to be at his right hand while we storm the palace, kill the usurping Commander and free the King from his prison.

One thing I'm not so sure about; the other Commander; Stinky, well he said that I needed to find some red crystal shit that should be below the throne room, doing so will put everything right again, apparently only I can do this and that was the whole deal with that Damned prophecy.

Yeah I don't know, but these dudes have been good to me. They could have just killed me but they gave me food and drink, clean clothes and my own tent, plus they're getting me home too, so hey I guess I owe them.

>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 001
[DEMONIC ROAR]
STINKY! WE'RE THROUGH! Send the rest of the legion! NOW!
[CRACKLE]

>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 002
[EXPLOSIONS, CLASHING METAL & BACKGROUND SHOUTING]
GRUMPY! GET YOUR SHORT FUCKING ASS OVER HERE!!

>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 003
THE GATES ARE OPEN!! STINKY! KEEP THEM OFF ME & GURGLE!

>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 004
[DISTORTED DEEP ROAR]
What...the...fuck...is...that?
[DEMONIC SCREAMS]

>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 005
STINKY! NO!! Get back from that thing!

No!

STINKY!!

>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 006
[MUFFLED VOICES]
Fuck... Fuck it got Stinky!

Gurgle, you there?

Gurgle?

Gurgle!

...fuck

>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 007
LEGION EIGHT SEVEN NINE ONE! LISTEN TO ME!!

I KNOW I AM NOT A COMMANDER, BUT I HOLD COMMANDER GURGLE'S SWORD AND WE CAME HERE FOR A REASON!!

NOW ARE WE GOING TO STAND HERE AND LET A GIANT FAT SHIT FACE DEMON WITH TWELVE DICKS FUCK US LIKE LITTLE BITCHES?
[DEMONIC SHOUTING]
NO! WE'RE NOT! WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THAT DICK FACE THAT WE'RE THE ONES WHO DO THE FUCKING!

REMEMBER WHY WE ARE HERE!

WE'RE HERE TO PUT THE TRUE KING OF HELL ON HIS THRONE!

WE'RE HERE TO TAKE BACK OUR CITY!

AND WE'RE HERE SO THAT IN GENERATIONS TO COME THE DEMONSPAWN WILL HEAR TALES OF THIS BATTLE AND BE TOLD THAT IT WASN'T A BATTLE OF A PUSSY ARMY KICKING THE BUTT OF A SHITTY MILITIA!

NO! IT WAS A PUSSY UPSTART ARMY BETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS BY THE UNSTOPPABLE, THE UNBEATABLE, THE UNDEFEATED EIGHT. SEVEN. NINE. ONE!!
[DEMONIC ROARS]
LET'S ROCK!

>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 008
Horny! Toadface! I need your help, if I don't make it; get this to The Eye, to Agent Takahashi! Do you understand?

Good.
...
NOW WHO WANT'S SOME?

GET SOME MOTHERFUCK[END RECORDING]


And I guess that's that.

Of course I've yet to explain what happened afterwards.

Obviously we kicked their asses and the demon legion and I made it into the palace where we twatted the wannabe king and found the red crystal shit before all sorts of crazy shit went down.

So I learned a few things, you remember that white suited occultologist who we were following when we first went into Hell? Well if you remember he's now the King of Hell.

The Legion I was with? They were loyal to him and he was basically the only thing that was keeping the legions of Hell from invading Earth. By pitting the Demon Houses against each other, they were too busy with infighting to pose a threat. This new King? He wanted to unite the Houses and take the combined might of Hell to Earth, to do so he used some super charged Hell-Crystal that gave him the power to imprison the real King and exile the loyal Legions.

From what I can tell it was this crystal which somehow pulled me through into Hell, and when I touched it the energy released not only pretty much killed the wannabe king but also returned me back home.

Of course I say back home, what I actually mean was back on the underground what I am pretty sure was exactly 30 seconds after I was pulled into Hell.

Three whole fucking months passed for me but for everyone else it was just a shitty thirty seconds,

And you know what was worse? I still had to go and meet my old boss and get the fucking paperwork sorted!

If it wasn't for the Hell-Tech left in my pocket, the fact I was back in my own normal clothes, sitting in the exact same place, I'd have thought maybe I'd nodded off and had a dream.

But the evidence is right here for you all to see.

I don't know if anyone will remember the thirty second war, and I have no idea if I'll ever see Horny, Toad Face or any of the other Grunts, but I guess we'll see.

For now it's time for me to get this uploaded and go see someone who I haven't seen in a long time!


>>>>>>SIGNAL LOST
>>HAVE A NICE DAY

The Gifted Ones

>>>>>>>OROCHI-OS OVERWRITTEN
>>>>>>>BEGIN OS PURGE
>>>>>>>OS PURGE INITIATED
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>>OS PURGE COMPLETE
>>>>>>>DOWNLOADING NEW OS
>>>>>>>DOWNLOAD COMPLETE
>>>>>>>INSTALL NEW COMMAND PROTOCOL
>>>>>>>BOOTING NEW OS COMMAND
>>>>>>>LOADING BARRY-OS
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>WELCOME TO BARRY-OS

And we have a green light! We're go!

If you're reading this then that means my reverse engineering of an Orochi Mech has worked and I now have my own semi autonomous AI. Once we get back to Camden I'll be sure to dock it in with my rig and get us some automatic temperature and light controls.

You probably can't tell from my writing, but I am geeking out so fucking much right now!
[COUGH]
Anyway that's not what I'm here to discuss with you all.

Nope.

Today, as well as showing off my new A.I. controller, I'm also going to be talking about those of us who walk among you who have a gift.

Now I'm not talking the sort you get for fucking Christmas. Fuck no!

I'm talking about Professor X and the fucking X Men sort of gifts!

So we recently learned more about Fear Nothing Foundation; remember them? The fucked up summer camp that was bending the mind's of the kids who went there like they were fucking spoons!

Turns out they also have a school for the gifted or whatever bullshit tag you want to give it.

So I have no real idea how, but they took these kids and moulded them, trying to eliminate anything that they deemed as a weakness while promoting strengths.

Does that sound familiar? It should as that's what the fucking Nazis tried to do, only difference is with the Nazis we weren't talking about super powers.

Or are we?

Let's just think about it for a second, yeah?

We know without a doubt of two things:

1). The Nazis had this thing about blonde people and all that super race crap.

2). We also know that the Nazis were interested in the occult and had an actual division dedicated to researching that shit.

Ok so how am I going to put 1 and 2 together? And will it make 3 or 5?

Well let's just step back a second right? Remember what I told you about Thor and his brother?

No? Ok let me go over this again as it's been a while.

So you all know of Thor right? I'm not talking that hair-model we have in the dumb ass Whedon movie, no I mean the one from Nordic lore; the "don't fuck with me or I'll zap your ass with lightning and squash you with a fucking hammer" Thor!

Well it's not hard to think that he was like me and the others like him, just look at Agent L who I team with? He quite literally has the gift of summoning lightning and regular smashed bad guy's faces in with his hammer. It's like he's the modern emo version of Thor himself.

So what if the Nazis were trying to learn more about the old-Gifted, found out that Thor and Odin and Loki were just as real as you and I, and we're trying to somehow breed that into their offspring?

I mean fuck! They were digging all around Europe, is it really hard to believe that maybe they dug too deep somewhere and learned something they shouldn't have?

Just look at it all, the Nazis start digging around in Central Europe when the Allies say that enough is enough and wage war! Fuck we've seen the shit that lives in Romania, I know first hand how it is all connected to the Sleeping Whisperers! What if the Second World War was actually to stop them releasing an Old God?

Is that so hard to believe? Really?

Until the last weekend I would have agreed with you until I learned something the hard way.

Paul Simon, partner to Art Garfunkle of Simon and Garfunkle fame, he was a Gifted.

Yeah I know how this sounds, it's like I'm going into the 'Beyoncé and Jay Z belong to The Company' territory along with Obama being a lizard man or some shit like that.

I know it sounds crazy, but just hear me out.

You see there are two types of Gifted, maybe even more, but at least two for sure.

The first are like me, H and L along with Thor and the like. We're kinda like the good guys, and if you need any proof just look at our gifts; we can summon bright colourful powers of the elements!
Oh... And read demonic in my case.
[SIGH]
Anyway, then we see the other side, the 'bad' guys if you will. With us it's all sparkly twilight shit! With them it's black goo and tentacles! Seriously, what good guy summons black gooey tentacles?

But I've spoken with a Sleeper, it pleaded with me for release before I shot it in it's Shoggithian face!

But in that time it revealed so much! It told me of the gifts it can bestow on those who are faithful to it, anything from wealth and strength to creativity and inspiration!

That's what we're seeing here! How many musicians and artists are often described as having a 'dark' side or as if they made a pact with the devil? Because they fucking did! They gave themselves to the Sleepers and were rewarded with a life of fame, fortune and tragedy as a result.

I mean fuck! Just think about it! Ever wondered why every so often there is a boom of creativity? Of new waves of art or music? And why does it almost always focus around certain locations?

Sleepers!

Now I'm not saying that everyone who has ever been a success with creativity sold their soul to an Old God, but come on; are you telling me that Justin Bieber got where he did through talent?

Fuck no! If that isn't evil intervention then I don't know what is!

But this brings us back to the school of Fear Nothing.

They were enhancing those who already had gifts, maybe some were like us and had the gifts from a higher power, maybe others were given them from the Sleeping Whispering Dreamers, and maybe others from some other unknown source? Fuck if I know!

But these kids are there; shit! I meat one with my own eyes and saw his abilities for myself.

This makes me wonder, how many others are there?

Shit, I mean what if it's in all of us?

What if every one of us has this latent 'gift' inside us and it just needs a catalyst, be that of course a magic bee or black goo?

I'll be damned if I know, but it sure makes you think.
[FAINT BACKGROUND VOICE]

Huh? Yeah sure I'll be right there.

[MUFFLED RUSTLING]
How do I turn this off? Ah I know!
>>>>>>SIGNAL LOST
>>HAVE A NICE DAY

New Years Resolutions

>>>>>>SIGNAL ESTABLISHED
>>>>>>BEGIN DECODE
>>>>>DECODE COMPLETE
>>>>>PLAY MESSAGE

Hey guys!

So I guess I should start as is customary with a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Yeah; fuck that.

Seriously; fuck that to hell.

So this year it turns out that a little birdy thought it would be hella funny to introduce a creeper virus into the company network, this virus which I've labelled MIRROR SHINE mainly because it's very existence annoys the shit out of me then proceeded to run rampant and send a shit-tonne of messages from both operative and handler mobiles, so if you got a text from the blue lady saying she wanted to give you a lap dance with a luminous flamingo and all you needed to do was give your bank details to the Nigerian lottery; yeah that's why.

Of course then my tech boss gets called in from leave and so she calls me in from the field to try and fix the total shit storm that MIRROR SHINE has caused.

Next thing I know I'm trying to explain to my field-boss that I need to go, despite the fact that I am 98% certain she wants me to explain my previous blog post to her, while my tech-boss is still sending me messages about taking the next port to NYC.

All the while my phone is getting intermittent messages from other operatives and a number that kept calling me Chuck and I have no idea how much is legit or sent via MIRROR SHINE.



Anyway, this all got me thinking about how I see my future.

So before all of this I was working tech support for a London based police force, right? Of course when the shit hit the fan about a year ago and the walls started to fucking bleed; literally. I decided to bug out and get the hours in with the company and my favourite boss. You know; figured making sure there was a London to police came tops over maintaining network security for said London police.

Well I was of course picked up by the company because of my skills during the Surrey incident but then when they saw my mad-leet-skills on a computer, the company gave me the side assignment of helping out my other boss Leah in keeping HQ all nice, snug, safe and secure.

Fucking great! How you going to turn that down when the job is all expenses paid?

Then this shit happens and I'm really not sure if it's all worth it.

I mean fuck me! I know I can't stop my operative work which in itself pays more than handsomely and there's no way I'd leave my boss Holly to deal with that shit by herself. But now I'm stuck dealing with Leah and she has a stick shoved so far up her ass it's sticking outta her nose!

Yes I know you are listening in to this Leah, you may be my boss inside the company but you know what? Fuck you!

Seriously, you give me shit on a 9-5 basis just because that girl from your LARPing group won't date you, I don't give a fuck! So either back down or find yourself another network tech ok? I got to doing this job because of my abilities to shoot Zed-Heads right? Not because I sucked off the recruitment advisor!



Hell----Leah shut the------up! Seriously I'm fuck--------of this crap you give me! Mirror shine wasn't my fault ok? What? Wha--------ok you know what? Fuck you and fuck your--------quit from tech support-----wash your fucking hair once in a-----you wouldn't be single every fucking night bothering-------with fucking texts------no I don't want to hear it Le-----go fuck yourself! No one else is going to!
...
Oh shit, is this still recording?
...
Ok so now I'm just working as a field agent now, that was my other boss Leah. Fucking bitch had me on speaker phone to try and make me look incompetent in front of the tech-heads. You should have heard them laughing, fucking hilarious!

Anyway so that's resolution #1 done: stop doing jobs you hate.

I guess that leaves me with my other two resolutions left; make peace with my family and stop procrastinating like a little bitch.

I guess the last two are kinda related as when I do the last it might indirectly help with the first.

Anyway, this might seem like a silly post really, not much of a news break or anything, but I thought I'd give you guys a bit of an update and shit, I mean hey: this is what we're fighting for yeah? The ability to lead normal lives without being eaten by giant tentacle beasts?

Exactly!

Anyway, thanks as always and you guys watch out for yourselves; whether your in the trenches like me, or spreaders of truth, just as long as you don't think we're all lizard men Ickeists then we're all good in the hood!

>>>>>>SIGNAL LOST
>>HAVE A NICE DAY

When plans turn purple

>>>>>>SIGNAL BECON FOUND
>>>>>>CONNECT TO BECON
>>>>>>CONNECTION ESTABLISHED
>>>>>>BEGIN TRANSMISSION

Hey guys!

Sorry for all the downtime but things have been pretty static around here. Just more hours with the company crunching digital data numbers and shit like that.

Of course that's not entirely true, I mean I'm not there now am I? Nope, right now I'm camped outside a fucking creepy school with a creepy kid and the rest of my fire team.

It's cold, I'm wet and fucking emo-hair forgot to pack the tent!

Still could be worse. For some reasons the Filth and dead-heads are avoiding this place, maybe it's the kid?

Anyway, I hope you've all had a good festive break. I know I did. Well unless of course you count a big giant purple cock-block that was the fucking Phoenicians!

So get this; Thursday night, Christmas Day. I decided it would be a really nice treat to take my favourite lady on a night out to the theatre. It didn't matter what we were going to see, what mattered was that we were going to have a nice night out in London, have a few drinks, maybe go for a dance or something afterwards before retiring to our place back in Camden.

Everything was perfect, the lighting, the mood, everything! And I was all ready! Ready to do something I've been planning for a while now, then what happens? A bunch of fucking mercs turn up and shoot the place up!

Fucking Phoenicians!

Now what the fuck am I supposed to do eh?

I've been trying to make things right again, creating situations that would be suitable but fuck all works! Now we're stuck out in Tokyo again surrounded by creepy kids and mofo ghosts!

It was going to be so perfect, everything was going so well then it all turned to shit.

Don't get me wrong, eh? I'm not giving up. They say that practice makes perfect, and that's what I'm fucking doing, a practice run so next time it will be perfect.

In the meantime I guess I should try and catalogue some of this weird shit that's going down.

[STATIC]

On a related note, looks like we're back on the case of Fear Nothing, plus we've received a first hand sourcing about the connection of Fear Nothing, Morninglight and the Snake.

Going to keep looking into it.

Will put out more info as it becomes apparent, for now if you see anything about Fear Nothing, please let me know. I've heard rumours that they may be trying to spread out to Europe or the States. If that is true then as their influence grows so will the body count.

Shit she's coming over; can't let her see this - need to edit so that it's more cryptic and she doesn't know what I'm taking about before I upload
[UPLOAD REPORT]

Oh fuck! How do I cancel?
>>>>>>SIGNAL LOST
>>HAVE A NICE DAY