Thursday, 11 August 2016

Incident Report #3829

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Cox: This is Agent Cox reporting at 0600, and I am joined by Agent Cornell

Cornell: Do you mind not using my real name?

Cox: What would you prefer? I know you are partial to pop culture references. I had thought about a Men in Black reference, but

Cornell: But that would make us both Agent C.

Cox: Exactly.

Cornell: Just use Skorn, OK?

Cox: Scorn?

Cornell: [CENSORED] no! Skorn, with a hard K!

Cox: There's no need to swear Agent.

Cornell: [CENSORED] you

Cox: Excuse me?

Cornell: You heard me, [CENSORED] you and your dog too!

Cox: I don't...

Cornell: You know what I [CENSORED]ing mean.

Cox: Anyway, I am joined by Agent Skorn. Agent, would you explain for the tape why you are here?

Cornell: ...fine. I mean [CENSORED] I'm here anyway, I might as well make it worth my [CENSORED]ing time, even if I think it's worth Jack [CENSORED] of our time.

Cox: Agent! Please mind your language.

Cornell: [CENSORED]

Cox: Anyway...

Cornell: Ok, well [CENSORED], so apparently the big [CENSORED]s here thought it best I recount the events of the past eight hours personally, rather than reading the report that I already need to write up for my boss explaining why I've been [CENSORED]ing AWOL.

Cox: Indeed. My Seniors have become increasingly aware that your reports are not completed in time, nor to a level of detail that is deemed satisfactory. We could complain to your supervisor, but we understand that there is little else she can do to manage your behaviour.

Cornell: [CENSORED] you.

Cox: Agent!

Cornell: Fine. So I arrived on the scene at, oh I don't know, three O'Clock yesterday.

Cox: Was that AM or PM?

Cornell: PM

Cox: So Fifteen Hundred hours?

Cornell: Yes

Cox: Our records show you arriving on scene at Fifteen Twenty Two

Cornell: [CENSORED] you

Cox: I'll take that as a confirmation.

Cornell: so I arrived at the site

Cox: Which was?

Cornell: Old Street underground station in [CENSORED]ing London, OK? Good. Anyway I arrived at the site, and had been told that there was a possible 103 on our hands.

Cox: 103?

Cornell: Zed attack

Cox: Zed?

Cornell: [CENSORED]ing Zombies! You know this would be a lot [CENSORED]ing quicker if you just let me tell the [CENSORED]ing story!

Cox: Continue

Cornell: We had a kid, boy, about six years old and his mother on the overground tracks. The station was on lockdown as they thought it was a... [CENSORED] what's the term? A one under. I guess this would be a two under?

Cox: This isn't a joking matter.

Cornell: Hmph! Well when I arrived the entire platform had been cleared out, and while it may have been a person or two under the train, there was clearly more to it.

Cox: Go on.

Cornell: The carriage had been moved off the site of impact, and it was clear that the kid had been hit first, there wasn't much left of him intact. The mother however was only missing her legs and an arm. The rest was pretty much intact. But when she saw me he stopped her lunch

Cox: Her, what?

Cornell: Oh did I leave that out? The [CENSORED] was eating her [CENSORED]ing kid's remains.

Cox: That's horrible!

Cornell: You get used to it. [CENSORED] you should see the [CENSORED] in Tokyo! Makes this look like [CENSORED]ing kids telly!

Cox: So ummm... What did you... Did you do?

Cornell: You ok boss? You look a little green in the gills?

Cox: I'm fine. Please continue.

Cornell: ok, so I Mozambiqued her Zed ass, you know, two in the chest, one in the head. Or is it one in the chest, and two in the head? I forget. Then put one in the kid just to make sure. You know, nuke him from orbit.

Cox: You do realise we are talking about people here, right Agent?

Cornell: They're not people.

Cox: What?

Cornell: You think I can do what I do and think of them as [CENSORED]ing people? [CENSORED] no! They're [CENSORED]ing Zeds and the only kind thing to do is put them out of their misery.

Cox: But the kid

Cornell: Would have eventually turned, probably in the morgue while being examined. So yeah, no he's not a [CENSORED]ing problem, and he's not going to be biting any doc any time soon making more [CENSORED] Zed Heads. Got it?

Cox: Yes... I see.

Cornell: Seriously dude, you really don't look good.

Cox: I'm fine, please continue.

Cornell: Not much else to say. One Zed dead, and one turner put out of his inevitable misery.

Cox: I see, and the time by then was?

Cornell: oh I don't know, maybe three thirty?

Cox: So ten minutes after you arrived?

Cornell: Yes

Cox: So why was it then Agent that you only called the job in at a full twenty minutes after you said you finished? What were you doing for that time.

Cornell: Oh that...

Cox: Yes, can you explain?

Cornell: I was following up a lead.

Cox: A lead?

Cornell: Yes. You see, Zeds don't just come out of nowhere, they need to be made. Most common is another Zed biting them, but there's all sorts of other stuff.

Cox: Ok...

Cornell: And as I was about to leave, the police admin chick, she showed me her camera footage. [CENSORED] don't look at me like that! I mean the CCTV stuff.

Cox: And did you find anything interesting?

Cornell: [CENSORED] yeah! I got a copy of it here, see?

Cox: You are referring to your flash drive?

Cornell: Yes of course I am. [CENSORED]!

Cox: And what did you find?

Cornell: So get this, the mother who turned, no bite marks or anything on her, but right here on this [CENSORED]ing vid we have some dude touching her on the neck!

Cox: I don't see how a sexual pervert is responsible for a... 103.

Cornell: It's all on the video. As soon as he touches her neck there's this weird blemish or something there. I'm thinking he injected her with something, and not the usual Zed [CENSORED] but something new, probably an artificial catalyst or something.

Cox: You mean a drug?

Cornell: Now you get it! Just add water! I stand Zombie Apocalypse!

Cox: That's an interesting theory. Have you shared it with your handler?

Cornell: Of course not! What sort of [CENSORED]ing idiot do you think I am?

Cox: Ok, listen Agent. I want you to return to London, right? See what else you can dig up on this guy in the video. I'll speak with your handler and get it cleared away.

Cornell: On it.

Cox: Oh and agent?

Cornell: Hmm?

Cox: How'd you avoid being on the cameras yourself?

Cornell: I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those dead-mutes.

Cox: What?

Cornell: Just call me the Laughing Man.


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