Monday, 25 July 2016

CRITICAL REPORT: Demonic Symbiosis


Hey we on? Holy shit balls! We've got a green light! About fucking time!

So how goes it? You all good? It's been a while hasn't it?

You're telling me, it feels like fucking ages since I was here last, spreading the truth, and helping you, help me, saving the world.

So what's been going on in the world of the Super Dudes?

fuck me I hate that name

Ok well there has been an interesting development.

Firstly, I decided I was coming out from hiding. Yup! Your best buddy in the fucking inter-webs is back to his old self. Of course all this meant was regrowing my beard, and stop dying my hair. It may not sound like a lot, but you'll be amazed how unrecognisable I've been as a clean shaven blonde.

I've also been fucking miserable as shit, unable to look myself in the mirror and recognise my own face.

Well, something sparked this change, it wasn't out of no-where. Fuck no!

Let me play an audio file for you, and I think you'll get an idea of where all this came from.


This is Agent Nightfire and Agent Blazing Lion on... Friday the twelfth.


Hey Bill, don't look at me like that. Yes we're going with Nightfire and Blazing Lion. No I don't think it sounds stupid. Shut up Bill!

So it's twenty hundred hours, and we are reporting on what the white coats are calling Type Nine Oh Nine Grade Pathogen. For reference I will be referring to it as simply Growth.

Our subject is apparently in his early thirties, ummm five foot nine, and with an athletic build.

...yes I'm calling it that Bill, I mean Blazing Lion! Ok, you've just lost Blazing Lion, now you're Agent Moist! You like that Moist? Ok good.

No you can't be Agent Athletic Build.

Look, KG asked us to report on this...

Ok... You know what? Fuck you Bill!


Ok I am going to try again now, now that my partner is no longer allowed in the examination room.

[DISTANT SHOUTING] You hear that Bill? You're not part of my examination now! How's that for an athletic build?


So the subject was sent to us after he recently collapsed while under deep cover by his splinter cell partners, including a Jar head, and a rather cute looking Asian girl. Damn this guy was lucky to be on a team with her, the things I would do if I was out in the field...


Ok where was I? So the subject, an Agent Skorn... Seriously? That's how it's spelt? Who spells like that? He was brought in to us after collapsing in the field.

On initial checks we found that his body was ageing at a rate a-typical for a man of his age. His organs almost drying up when we scanned them. Our white coats believe it is due to prolonged exposure to serum k-six, the type we give to our super-agents to keep them fighting fit.

K-six is usually issued in small dosages, designed to be used over the space of a few weeks at most, but apparently this guy had something new.


Here you go, a sub-dermal implant that extracted requirements out of his own waste and re-purposed it into K-six.

Wow, I'll be honest here, I'm amazed he's still alive if he's had this stuff in his body for over six months, never mind the literal year plus he has been in the field.

On further analysis it revealed that the subject's body was rejecting the k-six, and as such his body was going into total shutdown.


At oh four hundred hours, he was declared dead.


Oh right.

Oh seven five nine, subject was examined by on site coroner to determine cee oh dee, and after cracking him open, the found...


Ok, it says here that they found his very heart itself to be covered in a solid rock like substance, and... Holy God! It began glowing!

Then... Oh no...

He woke up! Screaming...

Jesus, imagine that?

So they stitched him back up, but found that the same glowing rock like substance had spread, and was... emerging? Yes, emerging around his left forearm.

Shortly afterwards, scans revealed his tissue was regenerating to it's previous healthy state, and... Oh and here is where I come in.

Subject sent to Pathogen Research Labs.

Ok... So... Excuse me, I'm going to throw up...


Hey again! Yup you're back with your ol' buddy Skorn again!

That's right fuckers! So the company fucked with my body just enough that I fucking died! But it seemed that the universe or whoever didn't want me to stay dead, fuck no!

So what was the deal? Well it seems that the... What did they call it? 909-Grade Pathogen was, how do I put it? Hell Growth.

Yup, when my body gave out, something inside me reacted and took over.

What this means is that my metabolism has stabilised as I'm no longer taking the stuff from the Company, however I did spend a few weeks in quarantine while they established, that no, I wasn't a fucking zombie, and no, I certainly wasn't contagious.

One by product that I had was that forearm mass they mentioned. Yeah, had that stuck there for most of the time, but the moment it came into contact with my babies, you know, my dukes, my deciders, my guns, it changed. It turned into a set of guns itself!

Crazy, and then afterwards, it was reawakened into my own fucking body!

Now I feel like SpiderMan when he found the black suit! I can summon these demon guns, or that arm stuff, which in turn seems to help with my understanding of Hell Speak, at will! The rest of the time I just look like charming ol' me!

Plus I feel fucking fantastic!

So yeah, what's why I'm back baby! I've had enough of being someone I'm not, I lead a fucking Demon Legion in the 30 second war! I'm going to be me, and let the fucking Snake quiver in it's piss filled boots!


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