We're on? Great.
Ok I don't know how to say this; as it is the craziest thing I've ever had to admit to, possibly even crazier than my shit about the Dreamers or the Snake.
I just took part in some epic as fuck war on the planes of Hell itself.
Demon versus Demon with me at the front of one side as we fought against an uprising army trying to overthrow the very monarchy itself and wage a direct war on our world.
Anyway, what follows is a series of audio logs I managed to record once I had managed to rejigger my phone to work over there.
Of course these logs don't start for a while, so first a bit of a back story for you.
Earlier today I was called back to London by The Company. Apparently there was a small paperwork issue with my previous employer and they wanted it fixed before nothing turned into something.
Sorry about that, so where was I? That's right, I was on the tube heading to Westminster when we had just left Euston station. Something was different, something felt wrong and I could hear a noise like static building in my ears over and over.
Without any control I grabbed my head and let out a scream, a manly scream I might add and clenched my eyes shut to try and stop the agonising pain that was wracking my head.
Then the pain and the noise stopped.
Seriously! It just upped and fucking stopped! In fact everything had stopped. The noise of the tracks below us, the rustle of the annoying as shit commuters with their newspapers, all gone.
I opened my eyes and nearly fucking shat myself.
Of course my phone was pretty much dead, I had forgotten to charge it the night before and you know how iPhones are. Well I managed to squeeze enough juice out of it to grab this photo:
Yeah I know, it looks like Hell right? That's because it fucking is! Trust me I've been there before, I know Hell when I see it.
Anyway; first things first was to try and establish a location and what if any immediate danger I was in.
Well I was still in the train carriage, only I was alone and the carriage was just there by itself, no other train parts, just sitting in Hell with me inside it.
Any threat? Well I was in Hell so clearly there was some sort of a threat, a demon or something just waiting to eat my insides, but nothing that I could see.
So - step two: get help.
This was the problem. For some reason my phone's battery was dying fast. I mean these things eat through battery power like nothing ever made before (3rd Age tech maybe?) but this was insane.
Anyway I tried calling, but nothing, no signal, no bars, no fucking wi-fi! I was cut off with no visible way of getting back and to top it all off I had left my guns at a fucking dropbox so as to not rouse any suspicion if anyone wanted to check my ticket or whatever.
Well there was no point in worrying or stressing, best foot forward and all that stiff upper lip bullshit!
So I travelled for what must have been half a day in a straight line. I know it was that long because when I arrived the Sun was rising and by this point it was preparing to set.
Anyway I had travelled for half a day when I came across a patrol of some sort, no idea who they were or what they were doing out in the wastes of Hell, but the moment they saw me they tried to attack me, and even after I had smashed one of their heads repeatedly over a rock, the other still wouldn't talk.
But that was ok, they had on then Demon-Tech including some sort of communications tool, this was great! I could integrate that Infernal tech into my own phone and use it's power source to keep my phone going.
Yeah, not a great idea.
I was able to get my phone logging what happened, plus it worked as a comms unit later on, but that was it. The camera got fucked by the Hell power source and I still couldn't call home.
So rather than waffle on about my logs, why don't I play them for you?
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 001
[BEGIN RECORDING]Holy duck fuck! It's working!
[SOUNDS OF EXCITED CLAPPING]
Ok this is Company Agent Skorn reporting in from Hell itself.
As I record this I'm bunkered down in what I think is a cave network in a mountain that overlooks a Demon town or city.
I don't know how I was brought here or why, and the only weapon I have is a big fuck off sword that I stole from a demon patrol that I killed.
I'm going to get some sleep now.
If someone in the company gets this message, please find Agent Takahashi, tell her where I am and that I love her.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 002
Ok it's the next morning now. I had fuck all sleep thanks to the air, it's like breathing in constant lungfuls of burning sulphur.
Anyway, turns out what looked like a town down below was actually a large camp. I can see now a shit tonne of tents and what appears to be weapons.
Whoever they are they appear to be preparing for war and on a big scale.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 003
Right, update. They are definitely gearing up for war. A patrol got close to my cave and found me. I managed to kill most of them but there was too many. They took me to their commander and in that filthy Hell Speak that shit-head explained the basics.
So from what I can tell they are a group of demons who are on the run after some civil unrest that knocked the King off his throne.
Having me here is as confusing for them as it is me, so fuck knows why I'm here.
The grunts wanted to eat me, but the Commander stopped them, something about me being able to speak Demon.
Anyway, they've given me food and I'm now about to get some rest.
I'd be lying outta my ass if I said I wasn't scared, but I think about Agent Takahashi and what she would do in this situation and how I'm going to make sure I can get back and see her again.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 004
We've been on the move now for three days. According to Gurgle; that's what I'm calling the Commander because his dialect sounds like a fucking gurgling baby, he thinks it's a name that in Human means Strong Leader or some shit like that and so has started using it himself. Now that's fucking hilarious!
Anyway, Commander Gurgle says we're travelling to see some demonic shaman, says this guy will tell us why I'm here and explain some sort of prophesy or something.
I'm fucked if I know what he's talking about.
I'm sorry for not making more logs, but it's hard to think about what to record when all you can see is mile after mile of red sand and fire.
Plus while these logs feel like the only thing keeping me sane, I'm five days now in this shit hole and I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get back, and these recordings are just reminding me of what I'm missing.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 005
Another two days have passed but we're finally here.
Or at least we should be. The place has been destroyed by whoever this Commander Gurgle is fighting. The Shaman was living in some wooden shit-shack and it's all gone now.
The Shaman himself was still alive, just about, and now they have asked me to keep feeding this dude water and food to help him recover.
Fuck knows why, I've not seen shit in the form of civilisation or anything out here, just sand, fire and more fucking sand.
Fuck I'm pissed off!
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 006
The Shaman's dead.
He told me some shit, but none of it makes any sense.
He told me that I was brought here for a reason, that I was going to help these demon dudes by resorting the rightful king or whatever that shit means.
He said that I had a gift, but as I explained to him; being able to understand Demonic doesn't really help us all that much!
Fuck! I wish you were here Holly, you'd know what to do.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 007
Commander Gurgle isn't happy.
We've been travelling now for another... Fuck I don't know how many days! I think it was four.
He says we're going to meet up with another three armies and when we do we'll be storming the King's palace.
Frankly I just want to get some water that doesn't taste like shit.
I miss Coke! Regular, not that Diet Coke shit! Or even that Zero; same great coke taste my fucking arse!
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 008
I wonder what everyone is doing back home?
Are they missing me? It must have been; what? A month now?
I'd like to think that Holly's got a whole legion of Agents searching for me, but even if they do come to Hell, the only regular ways in are via the portals, and they all seem to be located around the central hubs, not out here in the fucking dust-swirls.
I miss you so much
FUCK! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!!
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 009
We've made it to the coast. Yup I didn't know that Hell had a Coast either.
The sea is like everything else, red and looks like it would poison ten shades of shit out of you if you do much as dipped a toe in it.
One other army was here waiting for us, so I'm guessing it's the meeting spot, but Gurgle isn't talking to me anymore. Apparently he has grown tired of my voice and blames me for the death of the Shaman-dude.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 010
Update: Just met the Commander of the other army. This guy seems to have heard of the prophecy about me too.
He called me the Catalyst and said that I was here to either save Hell or ruin it.
The thing is; I'm not sure which result would be better for Earth.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 011
Still no sign of the third army and its getting late. We've been here for three days and they should have arrived before anyone else. The other Commander thinks we should send out search parties. Gurgle disagrees.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 012
Update: Gurgle has changed his mind and tomorrow a search party is being sent to search for the missing army. I wish I could claim responsibility for the change of heart, but it was the other Commander. For a demon he is remarkably eloquent.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 013
You know, it's funny the things you begin to miss.
It's been what? About 6, maybe even 8 weeks now since I arrived here, still no sign of the search party returning and the last few days have just been spent drinking foul water and eating what I can only describe as rancid meat. To the minions of Hell this shit must be like bread and butter to them.
Originally I missed telly and chocolates, then that turned into roast dinners, pizzas and Chinese food, now I just want... Fuck it, I don't know. I can't even remember what fresh water tastes like.
I remember I used to enjoy freshly squeezed orange juice. They had a stall in Camden down the road from our house that sold it. For the life of me I can't remember what it tasted like, only that I really liked it.
Certain things go without saying; namely Holly, Isaac and the techies back at The Company. I remember there was this one dude there who claimed to be an even bigger fan of the Alien films than me and used to show off his work cubicle filled with decades of merchandise to prove it. Of course this dude, while being pretty damn cooler was as old as my dad, so he's had many more decades of collecting chances than me, which of course I point out to him every time he tries to play it big-man and all.
You know, I still miss films. And music. And cartoons. You know, shit to watch while you're bored. Here's there's nothing but the daily Sand Bug Arena, just something the demon grunts cooked up by capturing the local wildlife and making them fight each other. It's pretty barbaric, but fuck it eh? We're in Hell.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 014
The scouts are back and balls! They bring bad news. The entire army; massacred. The Commanders are taking it bad, and the grunts say we're going to make a push for the capital soon.
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 015
It's official, the push begins tomorrow. They've already begun building pylons to transport us right to the foot of the palace.
You know what's silly, in the time I've been here; which by the way has been roughly 13 weeks, I worked it out this morning.
Anyway, in the time I've been here, I've began to grow attached to these grunts. I have no idea how to pronounce their names, I just call them Toothy, Horny, Scaly, that sort of crap.
But yeah, each and every one of them are alright. They're just soldiers doing what their Commander tells them to, which of course was for a time trying to occupy locations on Earth. I guess it makes sense really, every culture has done it before.
Of course some of the legion are less hospitable. The Gnaws as I call them, strange twisted human remains that crawl on all fours; their brains are no more advanced than a stupid dog so can only follow basic commands, and the succubi seem so addicted to sexual endorphins that it's the only thing they think about it.
Ha! It's funny, I had a Succubus find it's way to my tent earlier. Normally they're kept in their own pen where they're fed raw meat and left to fornicate with each other, but as a treat for the troops before tomorrow's big push, their pen was opened and they were allowed to roam as they pleased, and let me tell you; they do not accept no as an answer. I had to claim to be a eunuch for this one to leave me alone. The other boys here can have these sex-demons if they want, but I've got something even better to keep me warm at night and that's the love of the most wonderful woman I've ever had the honour of meeting.
You know, I have no idea how tomorrow is going to go, but I know at the very least I will find a way back home. Don't you worry Holly! It may have taken about three months, but I'm coming home!
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 016
It's the morning before, everyone is really psyched about this!
Can you hear that? They are literally carving runes and stuff into their flesh to get themselves ready! Isaac would love this shit! So much testosterone out there it's fucking insane!
>>>>>>>IMPORT LOG 017
Ok this is my last log report. I'll be using this Hell-Tech to communicate with the rest of the Legion, apparently Gurgle has big plans for me, I'm going to be at his right hand while we storm the palace, kill the usurping Commander and free the King from his prison.
One thing I'm not so sure about; the other Commander; Stinky, well he said that I needed to find some red crystal shit that should be below the throne room, doing so will put everything right again, apparently only I can do this and that was the whole deal with that Damned prophecy.
Yeah I don't know, but these dudes have been good to me. They could have just killed me but they gave me food and drink, clean clothes and my own tent, plus they're getting me home too, so hey I guess I owe them.
>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 001
STINKY! WE'RE THROUGH! Send the rest of the legion! NOW!
>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 002
[EXPLOSIONS, CLASHING METAL & BACKGROUND SHOUTING]
GRUMPY! GET YOUR SHORT FUCKING ASS OVER HERE!!
>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 003
THE GATES ARE OPEN!! STINKY! KEEP THEM OFF ME & GURGLE!
>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 004
[DISTORTED DEEP ROAR]
>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 005
STINKY! NO!! Get back from that thing!
>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 006
Fuck... Fuck it got Stinky!
Gurgle, you there?
>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 007
LEGION EIGHT SEVEN NINE ONE! LISTEN TO ME!!
I KNOW I AM NOT A COMMANDER, BUT I HOLD COMMANDER GURGLE'S SWORD AND WE CAME HERE FOR A REASON!!
NOW ARE WE GOING TO STAND HERE AND LET A GIANT FAT SHIT FACE DEMON WITH TWELVE DICKS FUCK US LIKE LITTLE BITCHES?
NO! WE'RE NOT! WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THAT DICK FACE THAT WE'RE THE ONES WHO DO THE FUCKING!
REMEMBER WHY WE ARE HERE!
WE'RE HERE TO PUT THE TRUE KING OF HELL ON HIS THRONE!
WE'RE HERE TO TAKE BACK OUR CITY!
AND WE'RE HERE SO THAT IN GENERATIONS TO COME THE DEMONSPAWN WILL HEAR TALES OF THIS BATTLE AND BE TOLD THAT IT WASN'T A BATTLE OF A PUSSY ARMY KICKING THE BUTT OF A SHITTY MILITIA!
NO! IT WAS A PUSSY UPSTART ARMY BETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS BY THE UNSTOPPABLE, THE UNBEATABLE, THE UNDEFEATED EIGHT. SEVEN. NINE. ONE!!
>>>>>>>IMPORT SOUNDBITE 008
Horny! Toadface! I need your help, if I don't make it; get this to The Eye, to Agent Takahashi! Do you understand?
NOW WHO WANT'S SOME?
GET SOME MOTHERFUCK[END RECORDING]
And I guess that's that.
Of course I've yet to explain what happened afterwards.
Obviously we kicked their asses and the demon legion and I made it into the palace where we twatted the wannabe king and found the red crystal shit before all sorts of crazy shit went down.
So I learned a few things, you remember that white suited occultologist who we were following when we first went into Hell? Well if you remember he's now the King of Hell.
The Legion I was with? They were loyal to him and he was basically the only thing that was keeping the legions of Hell from invading Earth. By pitting the Demon Houses against each other, they were too busy with infighting to pose a threat. This new King? He wanted to unite the Houses and take the combined might of Hell to Earth, to do so he used some super charged Hell-Crystal that gave him the power to imprison the real King and exile the loyal Legions.
From what I can tell it was this crystal which somehow pulled me through into Hell, and when I touched it the energy released not only pretty much killed the wannabe king but also returned me back home.
Of course I say back home, what I actually mean was back on the underground what I am pretty sure was exactly 30 seconds after I was pulled into Hell.
Three whole fucking months passed for me but for everyone else it was just a shitty thirty seconds,
And you know what was worse? I still had to go and meet my old boss and get the fucking paperwork sorted!
If it wasn't for the Hell-Tech left in my pocket, the fact I was back in my own normal clothes, sitting in the exact same place, I'd have thought maybe I'd nodded off and had a dream.
But the evidence is right here for you all to see.
I don't know if anyone will remember the thirty second war, and I have no idea if I'll ever see Horny, Toad Face or any of the other Grunts, but I guess we'll see.
For now it's time for me to get this uploaded and go see someone who I haven't seen in a long time!
>>HAVE A NICE DAY